Wedding Etiquette Guide

Before we get into the traditional format for speeches, you should bear in mind that the Bride & Groom can have people speak in any order they want. Gone are the days when you had to have people speak in a particular order. Nobody is going to frown on any changes you make today (okay, perhaps the older guests will be surprised, but that shouldn't stop you doing it in the way you feel most comfortable with).

Traditionally, wedding etiquette would see the speeches in this order:

• Father of the bride
• Groom
• Best man

In LGTBQ+ weddings, both partners might speak, but again it isn't an issue if only one does.

Tradition has gone out of the window in increasing instances today with the bride deciding to speak, so you should feel free to do so if you're a bride who wants to.

The most important thing is that you can dictate who speaks and when. If you want the Mother of the Bride to speak, do it. If you have a brother, sister, uncle, or anyone that you want to speak, you shouldn't feel that it would be seen as unacceptable.

A traditional father of the bride speech would include the following:

• Welcome and thank the guests for coming
• Welcome the brides partner to the family
• Propose a toast to absent friends and family
• Pay compliments to the pride, say how proud they are of her and tell a few tales about her childhood (in a nice way but not excluding humour where appropriate)
• Say why they think the marriage will work and how pleased they are with the brides chosen partner (whether true or not, perhaps praising how much they know the bride loves the partner if the father doesn't like them too much himself!)
• Propose a toast to the couple

There are a few things the father of the bride shouldn't do in his speech too:

• Don't make it a robotic list of thank you comments. Try to inject a degree of humour.
• Don't speak for too long. As the first speaker of the wedding reception, try to bear in mind that guests have others to hear from and can get easily bored!
• Don't make it obvious even if you don't like the groom!
• Don't make it all about you, regardless of how much you might have done for the bride, this is her and her partners day. We've been to weddings where a father of the bride kept referring to how much the wedding had cost and it was cringe-worthy!
• As above, don't mention the cost of the wedding - it is tacky and unnecessary.

This is possibly the most contentious and misunderstood speech in a wedding. Times have changed, but the role of a best man is often one that couples worry about, sometimes with good reason!

Best mans speeches are frequently taken as an opportunity for a friend of the groom to grandstand and crack endless jokes, occasionally going far beyond boundaries.

We are aware of weddings that have been ruined by this speech, and others that have caused relationships between the bride and groom to become very strained, in addition to the groom and best man never speaking to each other again.

Let's begin by looking at what the best man should traditionally say, and remind ourselves of their role.

Their primary function is as a light-hearted but supportive member of the wedding party, specifically to the groom.

They are not intended to be a poor taste comedian and we strongly advise couples that they either choose the best man carefully or they point him to this blog so he knows what he should and shouldn't say!

Begin with a joke - but nothing crude. Stay well away from those kinds of jokes or jibes that contain far too much inuendo or direct sexually fuelled comments. A wedding is not the place for them.

They should say who they are and how they know the groom, building a short story about their history as friends works well; keep it light-hearted but always bear in mind that the brides parents, the grooms parents, and other members of the wedding party may not take kindly to you crossing a line into the realm of bad taste.

The best man should read out messages from people that could not attend. It is often seen as humorous to include a fictious message - make one up and get the room laughing.

Before we continue, also remember that the best man is not the star attraction. The bride and groom are and you are not there to wreck their day just because you find something funny that others may not. You shouldn't be afraid that one or two people might not get a joke, but you should never seek to say something that might offend a guest.

Tell a story or two about the groom. This is where you can make them the victim of the plot, but not in a way that humiliates them or that the bride may become offended by.

Try not to mention ex-girlfriends. It isn't acceptable, however much the best man might think it is, they never go down well and you are guaranteed to upset one set of parents as a minimum.

Offer the bride and groom some advice. It is absolutely fine to keep to the light-hearted and witty tone (this makes it better too). Again, try to keep away from sex related jokes. The reality is that everyone has heard them before anyway, and they rarely get much of a laugh but will always get raised eyebrows from someone.

Pay compliments to the bride - do not, under any circumstances, belittle or insult her. This is the worst thing to do at a wedding in the best mans role. It is her day more than anyone else. You will instantly become the most unpopular person at a wedding if you break this rule - you've been warned!

Next - the bridesmaids. Compliment them on how they've helped during the day and their appearance. Do not crack a joke.

Toast the newly-weds. This is important and, whilst protocol in modern day ceremonies may have changed, it is always appropriate for the best man to do it.

In terms of the length of a best mans speech, try to keep it no longer than 10 minutes, ideally 2-3 minutes fewer.

If the best man remembers they're not the star and not a poor taste comedian, there is no reason for them to be particularly nervous.

We're going to add one more note on this speech - please try to ensure the best man doesn't swear. There is no need to and there will almost certainly be guests that will take offence to it. If the best man thinks there is no other way to get a joke across, he should at least check with the bride and groom in advance.

It is very difficult to summarise what we mean above when we say "light-hearted", as more and more best mans speeches are pushing the limit of what is acceptable today. It is particularly common in the UK for speeches to go down badly (in the US they're rarely as controversial).

We cannot state enough how often we have seen weddings ruined by the best man. Please don't be that best man, and if you're the bride or groom reading this, please don't fall victim to one that thinks they need to be insulting or some kind of wannabe Britain's Got Talent act that doesn't get past the first performance!

The groom's speech is often one that people struggle with.

It is the speech that we've seen some truly woeful attempts at! Getting the balance between humour and tradition, or even humour and romance, can be difficult.

Firstly, the groom needs to acknowledge what a special day it is for him and his new wife.

Make sure people know you mean it. There are other points in this speech for a joke, but you should ensure the bride knows how sincere your thoughts are, regardless of how much joking you might share in private (or in public) - this is the one moment the groom should leave her in no doubt as to how special she is to him.

Thank the brides parents. Don't miss them out, particularly if they have had a lot of expense in providing the wedding day!

Don't mention sums of money. That is a terrible mistake we've witnessed on one occassion and everyone found it incredibly cringe-worthy.

However, the groom's speech should also contain almost as much humour as the best mans speech. It doesn't need to be a formal part of the day, in fact some of the worst we've seen have been far too stilted and formal.

Remember, there are people of all ages in the room in all likelihood, so you need to attempt to cater for all in what you say, the jokes you crack, the people you mention, and the overall tone.

Do not crack jokes that only you and your best man understand, or that are very limited in appeal. This is a day when a lot of people have spent money to be with you.

You can joke about the bride in a light-hearted way. You can joke about your parents or apologise to them for how problematic you were as a child, all these types of things are perfectly acceptable and raise a smile.

One thing you must do is thank everyone for attending. People might that have travelled a long way. Make it short but ensure they know how grateful you are that they've come.

Don't make one set of parents feel less valued than another.

Go back to the bride, re-emphasising how important they are to you.

Thank the venue and staff, they'll appreciate it.

Traditionally, the groom will also be the person that thanks people that are then given gifts (bridesmaids, the mothers, etc.), but this is less important today and some guests don't like being presented with gifts in public - you can do this privately if you prefer. It can, at some weddings, be a flat spot. Guests are known to show a lack of attention when gifts are handed out during the speeches.

Keep it to 10 minutes if you can, perhaps 12.

Give a lot of thought to how you'll wrap the speech up. What is your finishing paragraph or line going to be? You want it to be memorable and not something you've just ripped off the internet like thousands of others!

Generally speaking, it is the job of the groom to thank people, be witty, be loving, be grateful and be seen as someone that genuinely cares.

A note of caution is due here - make sure the groom hasn't had too much to drink. It is very easy to do, but people that say drinking calms their nerves rarely end up giving a good groom's speech. It can be embarassing for everyone, no matter how much some might laugh it off, if the groom is noticeably affected by alcohol.

Tradition says no. However, today is very different and there is no reason for the bride not to give a speech if she feels she wants to.

Many modern brides want to express their thanks to guests, parents and others. If the father of the bride has passed away, they may want to reference them in a personal and heartfelt moment.

Our advice is that the bride should speak if she wants to, but keep it warm and loving. Don't try to do a version of the best man's speech or replicate that groom's words - it probably won't be expected and rarely works.

Despite the above, we think brides of today should say anything they feel necessary whilst remembering the guests and not offending anyone.

Nobody gets a free-hit like the bride does on their wedding day!

Whilst tradition wouldn't have anyone outside of the groom, best man, and father of the bride give a speech, it is now common for protocol to go out of the window - particularly where circumstances mean one of the aforementioned can't speak.

We have attended a wedding when a bridesmaid, that was also a daughter of the bride and groom, gave a speech - it was remarkably touching and very, very good.

As the bride and groom, you are at liberty to ask anyone to speak. You might even be approached by someone who would like to say a few words.

Our advice is to go with your instinctive reaction with one rule - make sure their speech is going to be unlike that of the main speakers. Don't let someone make a speech if you don't fully trust them or think they're doing it for the limelight. They need to be doing it for you.